Truth

This post will be brief because I am tired because I have thoroughly exhausted myself staying up and watching Jane Austin movies to divert my mind.

I find as I go through life everyone has their own respective realities. This is a thought I embrace and it makes sense to me. However, this has created a very confusing situation for me. This is the coming together of two scenarios or realities.

Reality 1
When I am alone, or confiding in those I trust, memories come back to haunt me. A horrible feeling comes to my chest and I am exhausted and almost sick. A section of the song Stay Close from the band Fireflight describes this perfectly.
"Can't face the memories
they bend me till I break
Hiding from the past
but it's eating me alive
can't block it out when it's comin' from inside "
I really don't like feeling like this and I try to avoid/hide from it. I have spent years hiding from it. There is ample proof that what has happened is reality and has left scars on me and others in the situation.


Reality 2
I have a very happy supportive family. I do. We have been through our rough patches and none of us are perfect, but my parents first concern is us kids. My mom and dad come to a place I volunteer and met some of the people I work with. One of the men commented we looked like sisters. Of course we both graciously said thank you. As they left mom gave me a huge hug and said she wanted  to squeeze the love into me.

Both situations exist. It feels as though there are two truths. However, the first consistently overshadows the second, causing it to feel like a lie.  After I said thank you to the comment about my mother and I being sisters one of my friends teased me that lying was not a good thing to do. He knows nothing of my current frame of mind and was only joking, but it cut me. I felt guilty because I felt as thought living in that reality, that truth, was a lie. Yet it is a truth for another.

And that, is my confusion.

WARNING!

OK, first of all I want to make it VERY CLEAR I am a God fearing person. The contents of this post do not make me doubt Him at all, nor do they lessen my reverence for Him. I worship Him. But there is a matter which I must get out to the universe called the internet.

My mother and I have been...disagreeing about some family history items, specifically scrapbooks. My mom is currently scanning in all our family scrapbooks (tearing them apart in the process) and then tossing almost everything into the trash.

Now I understand technology. I understand what an amazing thing it is and how good of quality you can get. I also understand it is a lot more space effective. HOWEVER I have a few comments.

First! I DO NOT TRUST MY MOTHER WITH TECHNOLOGY! Seriously, Microsoft used to hire my mother to beta test their equipment because she was completely computer ILLITERATE! She actually told them once she thought the X in the corner would blow up the computer if you pressed it. More recently she told me I had to show her how to find the files she saved...because if it isn't on the desktop she has no idea where it is. And now this woman is telling me "Don't worry, I'm making sure the scans are the best quality" and I'm supposed to just accept it. RIIIIIIIIGHT.

Second, I AM EXTREMELY SENTIMENTAL! Yes, I DO REALLY WANT that drawing you drew when you were two! And you know what? I want my kids to see it...not some scan on  the computer. The tactile part of that is very important to me. Thank you!

SO we had an argument last night and the basic concept went like this "Mom, you told me to move out so I could make my own decisions and decide what I want and now I'm telling you I want this and you are saying you don't care?" "Yes, because I'm doing you a favor..." Say WHAT? Yes, I am serious.

Today we met up for lunch and as soon as we sat down my mom said "Your dad and I prayed about what happened last night and we know that what we are doing and we really know that this is what He told us to do so this is what we are doing." AKA I still don't care what you think. And God is OK with me not caring what you think.

Guess what...FALSE!!! I immediately told her that God tells different households different things and I was now the head of my own household requesting from them the opportunity to have those things. At the very least I wanted that ACKNOWLEDGED.

A few minutes later my mom left to wash her hands and my dad came and sat down and basically said "Did your mom tell you she is going to give you the scrapbooks? She is tearing them up so you won't get them in book format..."

And people wonder why I'm messed up.

Long story short, My sister and I are getting the shrapnel of the scrapbooks. We are getting what we "want"...after we fought tooth and nail for it.

Thank you. Thank you very much.