Something, Something About This Place

Why do I hate it here so bad?

Let me explain. I live in a tiny little town. 60-90k people. I'm currently sitting in our "big bad brand new airport" that has all of one terminal and is currently, to my view, vacant. At 7:20pm.

I just flew back from a business conference in Los Angeles, CA. My company's largest ever. We has an olympic gold medalist as a keynote speaker. I talked to people about how my life has been impacted and talked to them about impacting others.

But that was sooooo 6 hours ago. Now I'm back in this small town, with nothing but sky and dirt. Yay.

Something about this town makes me want to run, screaming, into an oblivion. Something about this town makes me want to listen to hard music and escape. Something about this place causes extreme anger to boil inside me. Something about this town wreaks of pretension and insignificance. Something about this place....

If you don't like me....is that MY problem?

There are a few reasons I have noticed that people get irritated with me. I had an experience today and this is what I realized from it.

First, I talk. A lot. This can not only be mildly irritating to some, but grating to others. What people don't see is: when I see this happening I try to keep stuff to myself, but it's difficult for me.

Second, I love being helpful. I will jump in and do it if I know it needs done, even if I'm not sure how to do it. I'm going to try. What people don't see is: this scares me to death. I have a horrific fear of failure. This situation is perfect for failure.

Third, I fail a lot when I do that. I step on toes, I make mistakes, sometimes I hurt feelings. What people don't see: this hurts me deeply. Often it torments me. I hate failing, I hate doing things wrong, and I hate it when I can't make everybody happy.

Here is the thing: these weaknesses are my strengths.

I talk to anyone. I'm mostly happy when I talk. I know a lot. If you listen you just might learn something. I also can make people feel welcome.

I will jump in and do things. You don't have to take a long time training me. I will learn while I do. Time is expensive and I can save it by jumping in and learning by doing.
I learn from failure. I don't do things again. I do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen. My failing will help others not fail....because I TALK.

So you know what? I'm sorry I grate on your nerves. I'm sorry I step on your toes and I'm very sorry I fail. But I can't believe anymore that that is MY problem. I won't sup caring about how you feel. I'll try and hold my tongue. I'll try to not fail. When I fail I will try and make it up.

After that, it's not MY problem.

It's yours.