Something, Something About This Place

Why do I hate it here so bad?

Let me explain. I live in a tiny little town. 60-90k people. I'm currently sitting in our "big bad brand new airport" that has all of one terminal and is currently, to my view, vacant. At 7:20pm.

I just flew back from a business conference in Los Angeles, CA. My company's largest ever. We has an olympic gold medalist as a keynote speaker. I talked to people about how my life has been impacted and talked to them about impacting others.

But that was sooooo 6 hours ago. Now I'm back in this small town, with nothing but sky and dirt. Yay.

Something about this town makes me want to run, screaming, into an oblivion. Something about this town makes me want to listen to hard music and escape. Something about this place causes extreme anger to boil inside me. Something about this town wreaks of pretension and insignificance. Something about this place....

If you don't like me....is that MY problem?

There are a few reasons I have noticed that people get irritated with me. I had an experience today and this is what I realized from it.

First, I talk. A lot. This can not only be mildly irritating to some, but grating to others. What people don't see is: when I see this happening I try to keep stuff to myself, but it's difficult for me.

Second, I love being helpful. I will jump in and do it if I know it needs done, even if I'm not sure how to do it. I'm going to try. What people don't see is: this scares me to death. I have a horrific fear of failure. This situation is perfect for failure.

Third, I fail a lot when I do that. I step on toes, I make mistakes, sometimes I hurt feelings. What people don't see: this hurts me deeply. Often it torments me. I hate failing, I hate doing things wrong, and I hate it when I can't make everybody happy.

Here is the thing: these weaknesses are my strengths.

I talk to anyone. I'm mostly happy when I talk. I know a lot. If you listen you just might learn something. I also can make people feel welcome.

I will jump in and do things. You don't have to take a long time training me. I will learn while I do. Time is expensive and I can save it by jumping in and learning by doing.
I learn from failure. I don't do things again. I do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen. My failing will help others not fail....because I TALK.

So you know what? I'm sorry I grate on your nerves. I'm sorry I step on your toes and I'm very sorry I fail. But I can't believe anymore that that is MY problem. I won't sup caring about how you feel. I'll try and hold my tongue. I'll try to not fail. When I fail I will try and make it up.

After that, it's not MY problem.

It's yours.

Truth

This post will be brief because I am tired because I have thoroughly exhausted myself staying up and watching Jane Austin movies to divert my mind.

I find as I go through life everyone has their own respective realities. This is a thought I embrace and it makes sense to me. However, this has created a very confusing situation for me. This is the coming together of two scenarios or realities.

Reality 1
When I am alone, or confiding in those I trust, memories come back to haunt me. A horrible feeling comes to my chest and I am exhausted and almost sick. A section of the song Stay Close from the band Fireflight describes this perfectly.
"Can't face the memories
they bend me till I break
Hiding from the past
but it's eating me alive
can't block it out when it's comin' from inside "
I really don't like feeling like this and I try to avoid/hide from it. I have spent years hiding from it. There is ample proof that what has happened is reality and has left scars on me and others in the situation.


Reality 2
I have a very happy supportive family. I do. We have been through our rough patches and none of us are perfect, but my parents first concern is us kids. My mom and dad come to a place I volunteer and met some of the people I work with. One of the men commented we looked like sisters. Of course we both graciously said thank you. As they left mom gave me a huge hug and said she wanted  to squeeze the love into me.

Both situations exist. It feels as though there are two truths. However, the first consistently overshadows the second, causing it to feel like a lie.  After I said thank you to the comment about my mother and I being sisters one of my friends teased me that lying was not a good thing to do. He knows nothing of my current frame of mind and was only joking, but it cut me. I felt guilty because I felt as thought living in that reality, that truth, was a lie. Yet it is a truth for another.

And that, is my confusion.

WARNING!

OK, first of all I want to make it VERY CLEAR I am a God fearing person. The contents of this post do not make me doubt Him at all, nor do they lessen my reverence for Him. I worship Him. But there is a matter which I must get out to the universe called the internet.

My mother and I have been...disagreeing about some family history items, specifically scrapbooks. My mom is currently scanning in all our family scrapbooks (tearing them apart in the process) and then tossing almost everything into the trash.

Now I understand technology. I understand what an amazing thing it is and how good of quality you can get. I also understand it is a lot more space effective. HOWEVER I have a few comments.

First! I DO NOT TRUST MY MOTHER WITH TECHNOLOGY! Seriously, Microsoft used to hire my mother to beta test their equipment because she was completely computer ILLITERATE! She actually told them once she thought the X in the corner would blow up the computer if you pressed it. More recently she told me I had to show her how to find the files she saved...because if it isn't on the desktop she has no idea where it is. And now this woman is telling me "Don't worry, I'm making sure the scans are the best quality" and I'm supposed to just accept it. RIIIIIIIIGHT.

Second, I AM EXTREMELY SENTIMENTAL! Yes, I DO REALLY WANT that drawing you drew when you were two! And you know what? I want my kids to see it...not some scan on  the computer. The tactile part of that is very important to me. Thank you!

SO we had an argument last night and the basic concept went like this "Mom, you told me to move out so I could make my own decisions and decide what I want and now I'm telling you I want this and you are saying you don't care?" "Yes, because I'm doing you a favor..." Say WHAT? Yes, I am serious.

Today we met up for lunch and as soon as we sat down my mom said "Your dad and I prayed about what happened last night and we know that what we are doing and we really know that this is what He told us to do so this is what we are doing." AKA I still don't care what you think. And God is OK with me not caring what you think.

Guess what...FALSE!!! I immediately told her that God tells different households different things and I was now the head of my own household requesting from them the opportunity to have those things. At the very least I wanted that ACKNOWLEDGED.

A few minutes later my mom left to wash her hands and my dad came and sat down and basically said "Did your mom tell you she is going to give you the scrapbooks? She is tearing them up so you won't get them in book format..."

And people wonder why I'm messed up.

Long story short, My sister and I are getting the shrapnel of the scrapbooks. We are getting what we "want"...after we fought tooth and nail for it.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Poem

I wrote this last night. I have a lot of emotions and decisions going on right now and I went and saw a theatre production at my college. This always seems to raise the level of any emotion. Here it is...enjoy.
Many faceted
Surfaces
Striving to see each other.
When come face to  face with a foreign facet
Become different
Mirroring someone else.
Yet never sees it's true self for the  reflection of the other.
Many facets
Some shining, some dark
Fighting to be seen, but not exposed.
Yet the true self is never seen for the reflection of the other.
Facets
Right wrong
Right left
Good bad
Until the true self is lost in the reflection of the other.
Facets covered
Deposits left by proceeding years
Dust
grim and gold plating
Covered the true self is lost to the reflection of the other
Facets reaching
Must will be seen
Forgets the other
Takes all facets and
The other cant be seen for the luster of the truth of self.

Spoiled Brat Whines Again!

Ok, I have no right to be whining but I can't keep this in anymore and that is why this blog is anonymous.

My family has always been really tight knit and supportive. My siblings and I will do anything to please our parents and be good kids and in return our parents spoil us rotten. Cars for us to use with insurance and gas paid for etc.

Now my parents have decided they are too controlling and we need to make our own decisions. Great, right?!?

NOT!

This mandate also comes with the reality that we are now responsible for everything monetarily except room and board and if we do not keep the 12 o'clock curfew then we will automatically become responsible for that too.

Ok, fine. I can see it's time and I need to get over it. That isn't what I'm REALLY upset about. What I'm really upset about is this.

Last night I went to the school dance concert. My sister's ballroom group had one debut dance at the end of the show and I showed up to watch her. She and her partner did great. After the show I ran into her partner's parents who are fairly good friends of our family. They haven't really seen us for a few months and know nothing about this new development. His mom and I had this conversation.
 His Mom: Hey! Is your mom here?
Me: Nope, just me.
His Mom: Oh is she ok?
Me: Yes, why?
His Mom: Oh, I just know she isn't the kind of person to miss something like this.
Me: Oh, well, uh, she might come tomorrow night...
Conversation turns to something else.

I don't think I seemed awkward but I FELT awkward. It was the first time I didn't have a sure answer. It was really hard for me.

When my parents presented this to my sister today she said they not only were not listening to her but they had proved they couldn't listen to her and they are only exchanging civilities. She refuses to speak to them.

Just a few minutes ago I asked if my parents were going to go see her tonight and mom said "Nope" and left the room. I immediately went downstairs to my room, frustrated that my mother had changed about that stuff.

And that is what I'm really upset about.

The End.

Good Morning?

Don't you hate it when the first words out of your mouth in the morning are "oh CRAP!"? I do and that is exactly what I just said.

I was up late talking to a friend who is like a second mom to me. We hadn't gotten to talk for a long time so I didn't get off the phone til I was exhausted.

I was supposed to wake up and be at choir by 7....but I didn't great a0 alarm until my sister's went off at 7:40. "oh CRAP!" Oh and did I mention my choir's big concert of the year is tomorrow? Yeah, smooth move.

So now what am I going to do? The only logical thing yo to do: set an alarm for the time I need to get up for work and pass back out.

NIGHT!

Leave Me And My Unicorn And GET OFF My Planet!!!

Ok, so I'm finally breaking down and doing it. I have a blog where I am only positive and here is my blog where I can post my frustrations with stupid things. Not nessicarily bad things, just stupid things.

One of my favorite quotes is "STRESS - The confusion that happens when the mind overrides the body's natural instinct to choke the heck out of someone who really deserves it!"

And that is the tone of this blog.

Cheers!